NOW OR NEVER
by Donna McIntosh
Summary: Jack insists that Ennis make a decision.  He makes the right one!


Title: NOW OR NEVER

Author: Brokeback Mountain

Rating: FRAO NC-17

Warning: Sexually explicit M/M

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; not to me.

Summary: Jack insists that Ennis make a decision. He makes the right one.

NOW OR NEVER

Jack stood by the lake, looking out over its dark beauty, still and

supple in the night; watched over by the towering mountains behind

and circled like the loving arms of a momma by the endless pine

trees. A beautiful sight for sure; a beautiful place for them to

spend their last night before returning to their hum-drum lives and

leaving paradise behind.

He fingered his moustache and made his decision. He had worried

about it for so long, contemplated all the ins and outs, had his

reasoning all planned but the doing of a thing was a lot more

difficult than the planning of it.

"You plan on spendin the night out here or you comin inside for a

little warmin up?" Ennis said wrapping his arms around Jack from

behind. He rested his chin on Jack's shoulder. "Got somethin on

your mind? Or just thinkin 'bout leavin tomorrow?"

"Both." Jack answered leaning back against the warm embrace. He

squeezed the arm that crossed his chest and caressed the rough hand,

interlacing their fingers. "Do you have any idea what you mean to

me, Ennis.?" It was a question that he didn't expect an answer to.

The kind of question you ask the night sky.

Ennis was silent; feelings swelled inside him cutting off his words.

Jack turned in his arms and they stood there in the moonlight, gazing

into each others eyes, each trying to will the other to know his

feelings. Arms around each other's back, they walked into the tent

and sat down on the opened out sleeping bags. The lantern in the

corner lit the place with a yellow glow.

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Jack fumbled for the

words to start.

"You got somethin needs sayin, best get it out." Ennis said softly.

"I love you." Jack said, eyes down and fiddling with the zipper on

the sleeping bag.

"Uh huh." Ennis said, like it was no surprise to him.

"That all you got to say?" Jack's eyes snapped up to pin Ennis' for

an answer.

"We never talk 'bout such things, but I guess it's always been

there." Ennis answered.

"Well I wanna talk 'bout it!" Jack said angrily.

"OK. So talk." Ennis was confused by the tone of Jack's voice.

"All these years I been after you, I never explained how we could do

it." All the things he wanted to say all the speeches he had

rehearsed, deserted him now and he struggled for words.

"Jack, you know how I feel..." That was all he got out before Jack

stopped him.

"Ennis, just hear me out. Let me say what needs sayin, before you

shoot me down." Jack reached a hand over to Ennis' knee.

Ennis dug in his pocket for a cigarette and lit it. He didn't want

this conversation. It was bad enough that this was their last night

together for this trip; he didn't want to spend it talking.

"Will you listen?" Jack asked.

"I'm here ain't I. Though I can think of other things we could be

doin 'sides talkin."

Jack took a deep breath and began. "You ever been up to Lightning

Flat?" he asked.

"Nope."

"It ain't half bad. The folks got 350 acres up there. 'course the

place is all gone to ruin 'cause the old man don't know shit 'bout

ranchin. Place come to him from my momma's folks. Been in her

family for generations. It'll come to me one of these days. The old

man's pushin 70 now, so it won't be all that long and the place will

be mine."

He watched Ennis as he spoke but Ennis kept his eyes down. He was

listening though, so Jack went on.

"I been makin good money in Childress. That farm equipment I been

sellin ain't cheap and I get a commission on everythin I sell. End

of the year they give a big cash bonus to whoever sells the most. I

been gettin that for the last 7 years. We been livin in a house

Lureen's Grandma left her, along with a nice pile of money so I

haven't needed to spend much of my cash at all. Been stashin it all

away. Got me a sizeable stake now. More money than I ever dreamed

I'd have and I've earned it all."

He stopped for a breath.

"Good for you." Ennis said, not looking up; wishing this

conversation would hurry up and get over with.

"Big old house on the place. 12 rooms. 6 up and 6 down. The folks

just live downstairs. Upstairs is empty." He watched Ennis becoming

more and more edgy in his silence.

"I've made my decision, Ennis. I'm divorcing Lureen and movin up

there. I'd like you to come with me."

Ennis pinned him with a squinty expression. "You know I can't do

that." he said through gritted teeth.

"I ain't finished yet, Ennis. Just listen till I'm done." He

reached over and took a cigarette from Ennis's pack and lit it.

"As far as the world is concerned, I'll just be a son moved home to

help the old man work the ranch. I plan on runnin three times the

stock the old man has on the place right now and I can't do that

alone. I need someone to help with all the repairs, and restockin,

plantin all the stuff that goes into a place that size, to get it up

and runnin like it should. We could haul your trailer up there and

your horses. As far as anyone is concerned, you would just be a

friend of mine, come up to help work the place." He reached over and

caught Ennis' head in both hands and brought them together for a long

sweet kiss.

"We can do this, Ennis. Nobody'd be any the wiser."

Ennis stood up and walked outside, to where their campfire had died

down to just a few embers. He placed a few more branches over the

coals and poked the fire back to life and sat down on the log. Jack

followed him out and sat down beside him. They sat and watched the

fire take hold; Ennis poking it now and then.

"I told you once, a long time ago, what we do ain't nobody's business

but ours. Nobody's! We can live in the house upstairs if you

wanted or in your trailer; or I could stay in the house and you in

your trailer and we could get together whenever you wanted. Nobody

would ever know." He reached over and took Ennis' hand in his and

gripped it tight. "Think of it, Ennis. You and me together

everyday, workin the ranch together, bein together whenever the mood

strikes us. It'd be a sweet life."

"And what 'bout my girls?" Ennis asked, staring into the fire but

still holding Jack's hand.

"Ennis, you can visit them whenever you want. Have them come up to

the ranch, or you go down to visit them. Junior is already livin in

Cheyenne and you said Jenny's been talkin 'bout goin to live with

your sister in Casper once she graduates so she can go to nursin

school. There's nothin holdin you in Riverton any more. Nothin."

"Still got 4 months child support to pay."

"Ennis, stop usin the girls for an excuse. You know you probably got

that much in the bank. You was tellin me 'bout the extra jobs you

been takin 'round town. 'sides which, I could easy pay you that

much -- wouldn't be a loan, just payment for helpin me get the place

in shape; helpin me get started up and all."

"What if people find out? We'd be dead, Jack."

"Christ, Ennis. You still on about somethin that happened 30 years

ago? I know that scared you somethin awful but long as we pay

attention and mind our business when we're in town, I don't see that

as a problem. All's anyone can say 'bout us is we're two divorced

men with kids, workin a ranch that's been in the family for

generations. That shouldn't raise any suspicions in the nosiest of

people. We can get us a couple of watch dogs to warn us if anyone

tries to come for us during the night." He held his breath. It

seemed like Ennis was actually considering it; at least he was

listening.

"I can't live like we been doin, any more, Ennis. It guts me every

time we have to part. I need to be with you and the needin gets

worse all the time. I'm drinkin too much; tryin to kill the need and

all I'm doin is killin myself. I seen your face each time we part

and I know it's killin you too; you can't deny it. Why don't we at

least try it? Shit, Ennis. What have we got to lose?"

"Coud be our lives." Ennis brooded.

"Yeah, but our lives are slippin away from us right now, year by

year, one visit to the next. We need to be together. It's a risk

I'm willin to take. If you loved me, you'd be willin to take the

risk too." He stared at the side of Ennis's face in the firelight;

all golden and deep in thought.

"Now don't go doubtin my feelins for you. You know better than

that. It's just..."

"Just what? Either you want to be with me or you don't. I'm tellin

you right now, Ennis. I ain't living the rest of my life alone. I

need someone and I want that someone to be you. If that ain't what

you want, then tell me now and I'll get myself on out of here and you

can get back to livin your life in fear. I ain't cowering down for

nobody. If they wanna take me out, then let them try. I won't go

down easy." He paused for a breath. "I need an answer, Ennis and I

need it now."

"And if I ain't got no answer right now?" Ennis challenged.

"It's now or never, Ennis. I ain't waitin 'round another 20 years,

hopin you might decide to give me a little bit more of your time.

We either do this thing together, or I'll do it without you. Find me

someone else. Someone who thinks livin with me is worth the risk."

"Don't remember you bein this damned bossy!" Ennis said; giving Jack

a sideways glance.

"Maybe I shoulda been a long time ago." His eyes desperately

searching out Ennis', trying to read his thoughts.

Ennis only giving up quick glances at Jack, then looking away.

"When you figure all this livin together to take place. I got a job,

you know."

"A job workin for a man you hate, you told me so yourself. You could

call him in the morning; tell him you got a better offer."

"A better offer?" Ennis snickered, looking from Jack to the fire and

back again.

"Yeah. That's all you need to say. You wouldn't be the first ranch

hand to just up and move on, and this wouldn't be the first job you

just up and quit." Jack encouraged.

"And if my answer is 'no'? Ennis asked, testing the waters.

"Then you'll break my heart but I'll get in my truck and drive on up

to Lightning Flat and tell the folks I'm movin in. I'll go on back

to Texas and get things settled there and start my life over --

without you in it."

Ennis turned to look at him, square in the face.

"I mean it, Ennis. There won't be no more of our 'fishin trips', no

more waitin for somethin that ain't never gonna happen. I'll be

gettin on with my life."

"With someone else?"

"That's right. I ain't spending my life pacin the floor every night

in need. I'll find me someone who needs me as much as I need him."

"Sounds like you already got someone in mind. Someone back in

Childress?" Ennis look was menacing and filled with bitterness.

"I ani't lyin to you Ennis. An offer's been made. So far, I've

turned it down. He's a nice guy though. Want's to get out of the

city. He was brought up on a ranch and he's lookin for a place.

Wants me to go in on it with him. He ain't what I want. I want you;

but if I can't have you, well then, like I said. I ain't spending

the rest of my life alone."

Ennis pulled his hand free and turned back to the fire; poking it

viciously. "You been sleepin with this guy?"

"No, I ain't. But I have considered it. He's there, he wants me,

and it's gettin harder and harder turning him down. He ain't the

point here, Ennis. You and me are. It's all up to you. Either we

do this thing right, or we give it up and stop torturing each

other." Jack took a deep breath and said the last line he remembered

practicing. "Think about this, Ennis. About what it would be like

never seein me again. Never bein with me again. Is that what you

want? Think about it good and when you make your decision, let me

know. I'll be waitin. I want that answer tonight." He got up and

went back into the tent and laid down; exhausted.

He was startled awake by warm lips pressing against his. Ennis was

kneeling over him, clothes in a pile in the corner.

"You got too many clothes on." Ennis complained and tugged at Jack's

belt. He undid the buckle and unsnapped the snap, the zipper came

down easily and the jeans landed in the corner. The shirt came

unsnapped with a pop, pop, pop, pop and it joined the other clothes

in the pile.

"Is this a yes or a no or a maybe or a go-to-hell fuck?" Jack asked

as his underwear was whisked off and tossed.

"This is a I'm-scared-to-death-but-I-can't-live-without-you and you-can-tell

-that-fuckin-Texan-to-find-someone-else-YOU'RE TAKEN, fuck."

Another few minutes his legs were up on Ennis' shoulders and he was

being entered. Slowly. Ennis hovered over him, staring down at

him. "You're mine, Jack fuckin Twist. Nobody's gonna be livin with

you but me! You got that?" Stroke, stroke, stroke.

"If you say so. Oohhhhh." Stroke, stroke, stroke.

"I say so." Stroke, stroke, stroke. He took Jack's mouth then,

devouring him and quickening his pace.

In seconds Jack was clawing at Ennis' back and hips, trying to get

closer, deeper. A low-pitched wail started deep within him and his

movements became frantic. Ennis closed a warm hand around Jack's

cock and worked it. In seconds Jack screamed and spilled out over

Ennis' hand and chest. Ennis held off until Jack was finished and

let himself go, claiming what belonged to him.

"Mine...Mine.." he growled, then collapsed on top of Jack.

Ennis reached for the canteen and rinsed himself off, wetting a rag

and returning to Jack, still spread-eagle on the sleeping bag.

He moved the rag slowly over Jack' chest and between his legs, wiping

him clean. Jack lay there still, staring at him.

"Whut?" Ennis asked.

"You mean it? You gonna move to Lightning Flat with me?" He leaned

up on both elbows.

"I ain't jokin. This scares me shitless, Jack."

"I know it does. But hell, Ennis. It's our life. Shouldn't we be

able to live it the way we want to?"

"Yeah, I guess we should but.."

"No buts. I ain't gonna go on pretendin I'm somethin I'm not. I'm

heading to the folks place tomorrow. I want you with me. I been

tellin them for years that I was gonna bring you up there and we'd

help Pa lick that place back into shape."

"What??? You told them about me? You and me?"

Jack sat up then, reached for Ennis' hands, and held them both in

his.

"They know about me. Always have. Ain't never pretended different

with them. Always thought maybe that was one of the reasons Pa hated

me so."

"Jack...I don't know 'bout this..." Panic was beginning to set in.

"Well I do. The ranch is all but mine right now. I'm movin in and

takin it over. The old man don't like it, he can take a walk."

"Who else knows? Who else you told?"

"Ain't told no one."

"They probably did."

"Don't think so. Pa's so shamed by the fact he's got a faggot for a

son; can't see as he'd be tellin no one 'bout it. And Momma's too

smart to let anythin slip. She's a sweet little lady but she's got a

head on her shoulders and she knows how to use it."

Ennis lit a cigarette and Jack could see his hands shaking. He lit

one too and took a few drags before speaking again.

"You ain't backin out on me now, are you?"

"Maybe we should think 'bout this a little more."

"We been thinkin 'bout it for almost 20 years now. The sex was

great, as usual, and I feel real good right now but I ain't changin

my mind, Ennis. I meant every word I said."

Ennis was in a nervous state; puffing on his cigarette; head

swiveling around the tent, searching for an argument.

"I love you Ennis. And I think you love me. We can make this work;

take care of ourselves and each other; protect ourselves"

"You really think folks in Lightning Flat are any different than they

is everywhere else?"

"What happened, didn't happen everywhere else. It happened in Sage.

30 years ago. Ennis, people kill people all the time; ain't no

reason for the rest of us to live our lives in fear; just a reason

for us to be smarter 'bout things. Stay out of places where trouble

might be waitin."

"Don't know 'bout that."

"Either one of us could get killed at any time. You workin on them

ranches ain't the safest job; or me drivin those long drives back and

forth all the time. I just about got run off the road this last trip

up by an 18-wheeler. Think the driver dozed off or somethin. He

came across the center lane like he was aimin right for me. I had to

blare on the horn and pull all the way over onto the shoulder to

miss him."

Ennis stared at him, rigid with fear.

"I ain't tellin you this to scare you, Ennis. I'm just sayin, there

ain't no guarantees in life. Everythin's a risk. Some risks are

worth takin. You and me together; that's worth any risk as far as

I'm concerned. If you really loved me; you'd be willin to take that

risk with me."

"I told you not to doubt that." Ennis stubbed out his cigarette.

"Guess it'd kill you dead to say it."

"You know I ain't good at talkin 'bout such things."

"I ain't your school teacher, Friend. I ain't gonna grade you on

it. I would like to hear it though."

"You know it's true. Wouldn't be here if it wasn't." Ennis pushed

him back down on the sleeping bag and spooned up behind him. He

reached down and brought the other sleeping bag over them for cover

and nestled in.

"Guess we're through talkin for tonight?" Jack asked snuggling back

against him.

"We can talk more in the mornin." Ennis whispered against the side

of Jack's neck.

"'bout this subject?"

"Uh huh."

"OK. Night. I love you. Think about that, will you?"

"Uh huh. Night."

Jack awoke the next morning in a panic. The space beside him was

empty. He jumped, and practically threw himself out of the tent;

pulling his jeans on as he went. His heart settled back down when he

saw Ennis sitting by the fire, poking it gently.

He stepped back inside the tent and grabbed his boots and shirt. Was

still snapping everything up as he sat down beside Ennis.

"You been up long?"

"Hour or so."

"Been thinkin?"

"Uh huh."

"Made any decisions?"

"Made 'em last night. If I gotta choose between havin you all the

time or not havin you at all; then it's all the time. Just don't

expect me to be all that comfortable with it just yet."

"OK. I can live with that. It'll work. You'll see. If you find

out you don't like havin me 'round all the time, you can always go

back to workin odd jobs 'round Riverton again." He reached for the

coffee pot and poured some of the steaming liquid into an enamel cup

and sipped it.

"Thought you hated your Pa. Now you wanna take me and the two of us

go live with him?" Ennis asked.

"The old man's got a mouth on him like a razor strap. He can cut you

to ribbons with his words; but Momma, she's a real sweetheart and

you'll love her. She'll be so happy, havin her only child back

home. She's a great cook and a good woman, Ennis. It'll be like

havin a Momma again for you."

"Don't know 'bout that." Ennis brooded.

"I always called the place Heaven and Hell. Pa always givin me hell

and Momma, sweeter than any angel, lookin after me."

"You think the old man's just gonna step aside and let you take over?"

"I ain't askin him. I'm just doin it."

"Should be interestin."

"It will be. C'mon. Let's get started. We can stop for breakfast

at that truck stop where we usually gas up. We can make it to

Riverton by noon, have lunch there; hook up your trailer to my truck

and head on out; make it to Lightning Flat by dark."

Ennis dumped water on the fire and loaded up the horses while Jack

took down the tent and stowed it in the back of his truck.

It was a long drive for both of them. Each in their own trucks,

accompanied with their thoughts. Jack, terrified that Ennis would

change his mind and not go any further than Riverton; and Ennis,

terrified at the very thought of change and this change in

particular. He had to do it though. He couldn't lose Jack.

Couldn't send him away again. Couldn't let him go back to that Texan

who was sniffing after him.

It was not quite dark yet, when they pulled up in the Twist ranch

driveway. They climbed out of their trucks; Ennis coming around next

to Jack's. The old man came out the door and stood there glaring at

them; hands on hips.

Ennis saw the look in Jack's eye, a mixture of fear and determination.

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

The End


End file.
